Worth Being Loved

They say good man is worth being loved. But then why do people all the time fall for wrong men and women? Moral qualities of a person of cause mean a lot but when we love one we usually can’t define and give a name to that something special in that person that makes us feel this way. Love is an irrational feeling, we can never predict who will be the next and moreover say if her or she will be finally worth it. Everything would be very nice and simple if we could count all the minuses and the pluses than compare the results and in case there are more minuses say “no, I’m not interested”. We all like and in the end love the people who differ, who are personalities, who have that sparkle in them. And it’s sad but good people are sometimes very dull and boring in communication exactly because they do everything right, they never cross any lines.

If you want people, both men and women, to love you – start training your skills in communication. Be pleasant, nice, easy-going, but not too obstructive, learn to be a good listener, because both women and men would prefer speaking of themselves than listening about all your nice features and talents.

Work on your sense of humor, being slightly ironical is always very attractive.

Try to get rid of the stereotypes and to be democratical in your points of view.

Don’t judge too strictly the defaults and weak points of other people – remember you have yours ones. If you really want to attract a person and maybe even try to make him or her fall in love – you shouldn’t criticize your object even if you know that the person is very tolerant to critics. Compliments will do better. Be attentive and helpful. Be good or try to act good. Never tell all at once about yourself. Be a little bit mysterious but not too mystificating. And look after yourself because first we see an appearance and only than personality.

There are some tricks that may help attract the interest of your object. Some say that every man and every woman has his/her vision of an ideal partner, so you just have to find out what it is and act in order to correspond to it. For example a business lady would appeal to an ambitious and successful man, a home man needs a child-woman to care about, a bored man searching for new experience would like an lively girl with the a good sense of humor and etc.

More universal variants of behavior is to be different, to leave your object each time a little bit surprised, one day to look in the eyes and the other to ignore.

This simple trick works but mostly to increase interest which already exists. In case when one doesn’t define you from the environment sometimes it’s better to give it before it gets any deeper.

Playing games even an actor by nature can’t do it forever, so one day the real you will show up and that may be a great surprise for the person that is in love that another you. So staying yourself in any situation is the most reliable way to be. Remember that worth being loved is only that person that loves him/herself. And the most wrong thing one can do is to convince him/herself that he/she is not worth anyone’s love. To attract people you have to be shining, optimistic and – which is very important – self-confident.

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che

True love

In most cases we think: this is true love, when in fact it’s not. But than if this ain’t love than what it is? There are plenty of things that we confuse with love.

It could be just the basic instinct. The feelings can be passionate and crazy, but in fact both people may want only sex. And after it all the misunderstanding starts, and once infatuated lovers will find out that they have nothing in common and sometimes they don’t even know what to talk with each other.

Another variant is when people lack support, care and attention to their person or they just scared to stay single. Being with someone can be a habit when one simply got used to the other. It can either be a sick addiction or some self-interest. People call all these types of relationship love just by mistake or trying to conceal the true nature of it.

But than what does real love look and feel like? Maybe it’s when two people seem to know each other for ages and even in their previous lives. They can go on talking and talking and conversation never lacks topics and never gets dull. Or people don’t have to say anything because they understand each other without words. And those moments, minutes and even hours of silence are never uncomfortable. True love is when partners complete one another, when they’re together it’s peaceful, the whole other world with it’s sufferings and problems doesn’t exist and nothing even matters.

True love means understanding. One trusts another more than him/herself and feels ready to satisfy every little need of a partner. Two people don’t stop for a second looking into each other eyes.

It’s said that two persons truly in love aren’t looking at each other but in the one direction. And this is rather reasonable because they don’t say nothing “this is yours and this is mine” and share everything: friends, enemies, interests, problems and etc. One has his/her own identity but sees him/herself only as a part of the other. Still real love is not a relationship of property. If you really love someone you may say “I belong you” but always be ready to let go if it makes the person you love happy.

Jealousy stands out of the true love. How can one be jealous if there’s so much love and faithfulness? Real love doesn’t long for power, it doesn’t want to hurt, doesn’t want to punish for mistakes, it’s self-sacrificing and ready to forgive other and other again. But it’s wrong to think that true love is always a suffering, it only means that you take a person as he or she is and don’t expect the one you love to be perfect.

True love isn’t supposed to blow your mind, yet it doesn’t tend to get and to possess – it’s a and very special state of a soul.

But the question that true love is still has no definite answer. Do we truly love only once in our life? At what age are we supposed to meet our love? Does it last for a lifetime or just for a while? Probably everyone has his own answers to this questions. The truth is that no one should spend life chasing ideals or building relationships by some model of a true love. One will probably fail and miss the real thing beyond all this.

We should remember that very many things we need to supply our healthy and comfortable living but only the true feeling of love makes life really longer and happier. And this is scientifically proved.

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che.

Love is Magic

Some say that we are born to love and that love is the meaning and the aim of our lives. Many people believe that it’s a divine magical power that connects two loving hearts. For ages people have been thinking of what love is, writing books and song about love, in the recent time – shooting movies all on the same topic. Christians would say that God teaches us to love each other, the most skeptical materialists would blame it all on the chemical processes and hormones, romantic people would stand for the theory that each of us has his or her half on the Earth. Whatever love really is – the humanity definitely loves it.

Love is opposite to selfishness, because it’s always heading to some other person but you. It’s the highest point of human’s relations development. One voluntary gives up a great part of his/her own freedom. Love is giving by it’s nature. Person feels satisfaction and happiness not from receiving but from and seeing one happy. Two individuals completing one another form some spiritual union in which one is happy because the other’s is happy and one knows that he or she loves because he or she knows he/she would do anything it takes to make the other.

Love has it’s magical power to overcome all troubles, heal illnesses, create wonders. In critical life situations it gives people the strength to survive, to hold on however tough the living gets. And it all comes from the knowledge that you’re not alone in this world.

But everyone should mind that love arises not between angels but between people with all their little sins and flows. So the mistakes, problems and conflicts in love are in fact normal, they all come from our human’s nature. But the clear feeling of love is worth all the troubles one has to walk through to gain it. As we know Rome wasn’t built in a day, the same thing with love. There’s not any perfect art of loving. It’s always a road laid with compromises, everyday battle – not with the one you love, but with yourself. That’s how love makes us better. For everyone this way is personal. You can never predict how the relationships will develop but it’s in your ability to make it better.

Some say that love lives free years, other theory gives love one more year, some don’t give it any chance. Very many people believe that a family is a grave of love. So the negative prognoses are plenty. But still there stay some true believers. And deep in the heart many of us would like to believe and do believe in love. Because it has some magic in it and all the attempts to explain and to define it are failures.

Love makes clever people loose their mind and silly ones it makes genius. Love is paradoxical in very many aspects. There are statements that love is always happiness even when it’s unhappy and at the same time that there’s both nothing worse and nothing better than it. Another variant is that you never lived till you loved, and that love is the key to life and the sense of it. We may cite very many sayings and examples. They all are true and none is final. In one thing we can be sure: one who loves sees the world in the different way when all others, things look brighter, birds sing louder, life shows itself in it’s completeness.

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che.

When Two Become One

When two become one

You are no longer a couple, you are the one, you share one life and don’t divide it no longer in two. You don’t use the word “I” anymore, there’s only “We”. You belong to him and have no doubts that he belongs to you. So two become one...

When everything suddenly goes right, and all the problems seem so miserable that you don’t even have think now, since now you don’t have to worry about a thing at all.

When you are ready to give up all your life for him and you’re quite sure that he’ll never ask for that because he’s ready to do the same.

When you don’t have to talk to understand each other, and when one starts a phrase the other finishes it.

When you can talk about everything in the world and tell each other all the secrets you’ve ever had.

When it’s never better to sleep apart, but when you sleep in one bed it’s so difficult to fall asleep at all.

When you’re together you don’t let go each others hands not for a second.

When you start acting and thinking very similar, and suddenly find out that you both copy each other even in intonations.

When you look at the world around not only with yours but with his eyes at the same time.

when you note around everything that could be interesting or useful for him.

When you tell one another the smallest impressions and can always count on total understanding.

When you see your future only with him and see no future without him.

When suddenly and fully understand the meaning of the word “family”.

When you’d rather stay alone than go anywhere without him but nobody doesn’t expect you to come alone anywhere at all.

When every moment is the right moment to call him, and when you feel when he’s is going to call you. When you look at him the color of your eyes changes and in your turn you are sure that he won’t every look at anybody with those eyes he’s looking at you.

When you are apart the letters from each other come just on time, when you most expect them to come.

When you both have one past, share the same memories and built together the plans for future

when you are rewriting all the plans you had before he came so they could suit him too.

When you learn all his weak points to avoid pressing on them.

When you are beside him you never and nowhere feel out of place.

When you want to go around the world together and at the same time settle down somewhere, build a house, grow a garden and bring up kids together. And you will be making that house a home, keeping it warm, clean, nice so that he would always feel comfortable there.

When you want to take care of him all the times and always feel that care from his side.

When you want to support and help him and do everything, even impossible only to keep him happy.

When you both start doing things you’ve never done before and when you quit doing some things that you’ve been used to.

When you can let yourself be weak.

When you stop looking at the other man at all.

When you both become better day after day because you want to be the best for each other.

When everything you’re doing is right seems to him and when everything he’s doing seems right to you.

When you want every single day to last forever.

When you are never alone.

How can one make this fairytale last forever? Is it possible at all? How not to loose such a great love, not to let it efface itself among the worries of everyday life? These are the questions on which one should work for all his/her life.

The two are one only when it happens this way.

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che

Constructed Types of Love

You might not believe some of the things said in here. Well, you better. People show love in more amazing / weird ways than anybody can ever imagine.

1. STORGE (life-long friends)

The constructed type of storgic love is characterised by rapport, self-revelation, interdependency, and mutual need fulfilment (Reiss, 1960). Storgic lovers are essentially good friends who have grown in intimacy through close association, with an unquestioned assumption that their relationship will be permanent and that they will find a way to deal with their problems that causes them minimum pain. A storgic lover does not fantasise finding some other — perhaps unknown but ideal — lover in the future and abandoning the storgic partner. It never occurs to extreme storgic types that a romantic ‘knight on a white horse" or "femme fatale" will appear at some future time to solve their problems. It is more likely that even if this should occur to the storgic lover, he/she would need the storgic partner around to discuss the romantic lover, to give advice, and to share the joys of discovery.

The storgic lover is not a person bored by routine home activity, but is more likely to find it comfortable and relaxing. Storgic lovers are not constantly on the search for new love experiences; rather they enjoy the security of being able to predict each other’s responses to their behaviours.

If storgic lovers should break up, they would probably remain close and caring friends perhaps continue corresponding with one another and actively caring about one another.

Physical intimacy, coitus, and the appreciation of their partners as sexual persons usually come relatively late in a storgic relationship, are accepted comfortably and joyously when they do appear on the scene, and are thus satisfying. Pure storgic types are extremely unlikely to "keep an eye out" for new or more romantic partners.

Temporary separations are not great problems to storgic lovers. Their mutual trust is such that separations are viewed, as necessary inconveniences needed diversions or opportunities for personal growth, which will either improve or at least not damage their relationship.

The storgic lover does not "fall in love" in the way that other types of lovers do. The storgic type is more likely to recognise that he/she has been in love for some time without realising it earlier. As a result, anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s day and the like occasions are not important to them and may even be forgotten or overshadowed by other matters.

In many ways storgic lovers resemble siblings in their understanding of the love relationship. If they fight and argue, it is not an indication that they do no love each other. They are likely to feel that when their love has matured it will be permanent and that they cannot replace their relationship with each other any more than they can replace those that they have with siblings or with parents.

2. AGAPIC (totally "thou" centered)

An agapic lover is forgiving. This kind of love typically assumes that when the loved one causes pain to himself or herself or to someone else, that he or she is acting in ignorance, innocent error, or is the victim of forces not originating in the love-object’s personality. A male agapic lover might, for example, help his female love object arrange an abortion if she became pregnant by someone else during their love affair. Or he might easily love and accept a child conceived by some other man with deep concern for the anguish caused to h is loved one and with tender affection for the child. An agapic lover would be more likely to help his or her love object to get medical attention for a venereal disease contracted from someone else during their love affair than to be angry or punitive toward the love object for having a sexual relationship with another.

Agapic persons never "fall in love." Their love for others is always available and they are simply given the opportunity by some of their love objects to show their love to a greater extent than they are by others. An agapic lover cares enough about his/her love object’s happiness to understand and give up the loved one if that would seem to give him or her a greater chance for happiness elsewhere.

An agapic lover is patient with the behaviours of his or her love object to an extent that seems to border on masochism. The ideal agapic lover would wait indefinitely for a love object to be released from prison or from a mental hospital, would tolerate the behaviours of an alcoholic or drug-addicted spouse, and would be willing to live with a partner who was engaging in illegal or immoral activities, even though he/she personally disapproved of such behaviours. The agapic lover is always supportive of h is/her partner.

3. MANIA (Possessiveness and Intense Dependency)

The constructed ideal of this type of lover is obsessed with his or her love object. A manic lover may be unable to sleep, eat, or even think logically around the loved one. The manic lover has peaks of excitement, but also depths of depression, with very few periods without a high or low.

This type of lover is jealous to an extent that might be described as irrational. A manic lover cannot tolerate loss of contact with a love object, even for short periods of time, and is distressed by a lack of the lover’s presence or anticipated interaction. A manic lover is typically crushed by real or fancied rejection, possibly to the point of suicidal ideation.

The manic lover often tried to manipulate the behaviours or feelings of the loved one, but because he or she seems to be bereft of logic, often succeeds only in looking foolish in his or he own eyes. For example, a manic lover may tell their loved one that they should spend a few days apart to think objectively about their relationship, and then go into a state of panic because the partner cannot be located during that period. Manic lovers do not tolerate separation at all well.

The manic lover has a tendency to review his or her abortive love affairs and speculate about what when wrong that terminated them. Manic lovers frequently have sexual problems as well as problems in handling other forms of intimate interaction. Because of their high level or anxiety, manic lovers would be expected to have problems related to anxiety, such as vaginismus or premature ejaculation.

Mania is probably associated with low self-esteem and a poor self-concept. Because of this, manic persons are typically not attractive to persons who have good self-concepts and high self esteem. They become burdensome to more self-sufficient others. If they are rejected by them, their anxieties intensify, making them even less attractive.

4. PRAGMA (logical-sensible)

The ideal constructed type identified as pragma is that of a person who is unable to invest love in "unworthy" love objects. The pragmatic lover is keenly aware of the comparison level for alternatives that he or she has. Pragmatic lovers are inclined to look realistically a their own assets, decide on their "market value" and set off to get the best possible "deal" in their partners. Once the "deal" is made, the pragmatic lover remains loyal and faithful and defines his or her status as "in love" because the loved one is a "good bargain." Should the assets of either partner change, the pragmatic lover may feel her or his contract has been violated, and may begin to search for another partner.

A pragmatic lover typically assists the loved one to fulfil his or her potentials; for example, such a lover might make sure the love object finishes school, asks for deserved promotions, gets the attention or that he or she "deserves" from physicians, stockbrokers, or employers.

Typically, a pragmatic lover maximised his or her own assets before "putting them on the market." A male pragma may decide not to become involved with any females until he has 410,000 in the bank, or has gone through psychoanalysis, or has a secure job, or has assured himself by reading enough or consulting experts to be sure he is sexually skilful, or the like. A sterile or impotent pragmatic lover may deliberately seek out a widow or widower with children if he or she wants a family.

Once a prospect is in sight, the prototypical pragmatic lover might check out future in-laws and friends systematically, find out if the couple’s Rh factors are compatible, and obtain assurance that there is a minimal probability of hereditary defects showing up in their mutual children and so forth.

Pragmatic persons break up or divorce or stay married for practical reasons. Divorce may actually be planned for some future date. For example, pragmatic partners may decide to finish school, to get a different job at another location, to put their youngest child through high school, or to reach some other such goal or state before they get divorced.

Pragma always looks at things in context and know his or her basic values, scaling everything by them. (E.g. if sex life is mediocre, pragma may consult a sex counsellor, but is more likely to assign sexual activity a low value in his or her value system and simply accept its mediocrity. "After all, he is a good provider, and being orgasmic isn’t all that important." "She is a good mother, and I can get by on coitus once a week without getting too tense.")

While other types may have spontaneous orgasms or masturbate just from thoughts of the beloved, pragma probably learns to recognise sexual tension and relieve it when necessary for sleep or comfort (if sex is not devalued).

Pragma thinks ahead about family size (an probably even about what sex the children will be). if pragma is a schoolteacher, he or she may plan an October/November conception so the baby will arrive during vacation.

5. LUDUS (Self-centered Game Player)

The ideal constructed type of a ludic lover is that of a person who ‘plays’ love affairs as he or she plays games or puzzles — to win, to get the greatest rewards for the least cost. A ludic lover hates dependency, either in himself/herself or in others. This type shies away from commitment of any sort (does not like lovers to take him or her for granted). The ludic lover enjoys strategies, and may keep two or three or even four lovers "on the string" at one time. A ludic lover may even create a fictional lover to discourage a real one’s hopes for a permanent relationship. He or she avoids long range plans, is careful not to date the same person often enough to create the illusion of a stable relationship. A ludic lover would rather find a new sex partner than to work out sexual problems with an old one. And yet, he or she may suddenly show up for a replay, even years later, with birthday flowers, a bottle of a favourite wine, a sentimental Valentine, or a record of a favourite song, and vanish just as suddenly. A ludic lover usually enjoys love affairs, and hence rarely regrets them unless the threat of commitment or dependency becomes too great.

Dates with a ludic person are never dull, even though they may not happen with great regularity. He or she is never possessive or jealous. Theludic lover usually has good self concept, usually is assured of current success in love as well as most other areas. Unlike a pragmatic lover, a ludic lover never reveals all of himself or herself n or demands such revelation by partners.

Ludic lovers are not likely to be very sophisticated sexually. As a rule, they have only one sexual routine; if the sex partner is not pleased by the ludic lover’s sexual pattern, then the ludic one simply finds another partner rather than attempting to improve an unsatisfying relationship. If she does not like his sexual behaviour, the ludic man moves on to someone who does; if he does not get an erection or bring her to orgasm on his own (with no help for her) the ludic woman looks for a man who will. Sex is self-centered and may be exploitative rather than symbolic of a relationship. A ludic lover does not listen to (or take time for) feedback’ that suggests commitment, which is "scary." A ludic lover may not even want to be h is or her partner’s best sex partner because that might necessitate commitment or dependency that would be "awful." Physical appearance of the partner is less important than other qualities, such as self-sufficiency and lack of demanding behaviour, to ludic persons.

6. EROS (Romantic)

The constructed type f Eros is romantic love. Erotic lovers believe that love at first sight is possible if not mandatory. Falling in love is highly desirable. It is believed to produce an optimum state in the whole mind-body; persons in love feel 10 years younger, sleep well, wake up rested and refreshed. Impotent persons become potent; inorgasmic persons become orgasmic. Every gland and organ is believed to be operating at maximum efficiency.

Eros is monogamous although often serially. Erotic lovers remember exactly how their partners looked when they met; they remember exactly the day they met, the time they first touched, the time they first kissed, the day, hour, minute, place, smell, lighting effects of their first sex; and they expect their partners to remember and celebrate the anniversaries of such occasions.

An erotic lover is certain he or she is in love because the beloved has exactly the skin, fragrance, hair, voice, body build, eye color and style he or she like the most. If that is not objectively true, it becomes easy to believe it is true.

The romantic lover must always have his or her best foot forward. Risks of losing the beloved cannot be afforded. On the other hand, erotic lovers constantly search for new ways to please their beloveds with ever-increasing delights — presents, new foods, new sexual techniques, and so on.

An erotic lover wants to know everything about the beloved from the first moment of their meeting, all of his or her experiences, joys and sorrows, who else he or she has loved in the past, how much and in what ways. At the same time, an erotic lover wants to reveal everything to the loved one — what she or he dreamed about last night, what happened on the bus today, how a second grade teacher embarrassed him or her.

Erotic lovers may like to wear matching T-shirts, identical bracelets, matching colors, orde the same foods when dining out, find out that their blood types are the same; they typically want to be identified with each other as totally as possible.

Erotic lovers usually report having had a secure and happy childhood and believe that their parents were happily married.

If erotic lovers do not get jealous it is because they are rarely apart. There is thorough commitment. An erotic type can go quite comfortably without falling in love, sometimes for a long time, but when cupid strikes, it is hard, fast, and total. Break-ups are explosive and painful.

Erotic lovers initiate sex early in their relationship. It is always perceived as perfect, or becoming so, as indeed are all qualities of and experiences with the partner.

I understand these classes of lovers but what i can't really figure out is if it is possible for one to change variably between these various classes. Where do you fit?

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che

9 Types of Love Pt 1

1. Affection
2. Sexual Love
3. Platonic Love
4. Romantic Love
5. Puppy Love
6. Friendship
7. Committed Love
8. Infatuation
9. Passionate Love

I bet you there are other concepts we must understand before getting back to this. Watch out for Pt 2.

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che

What, really, is Love?

Did you realise how much I beat about the bush last time and ended up not defining love?

It is complex and powerful. It confuses many people. Love is a spiritual phenomenon.

As "White Knight" says:

"On Earth, no one knows what love is. All we see and know is the effect of love."

The concept cannot be defined or confined in merely the physical realm. Which is why love seems to defy description. However, this physical realm is where we experience love's effects. And that part can be described.

Love is a continuum, but like the seven official colors in the rainbow, I've separated it, in my mind, into a few distinct concepts. I've written essays on the kinds of love I have personally experienced: The personality of love, the brotherly kind of love, the decision to love, and the passionate kind of love. My essays on love are written from the point of view of the lover, instead of the beloved.

Love: The Personality

Love is a great motivator. It causes us to behave in certain ways towards people. It causes us to risk our hearts, and can even cause us to risk our lives. If we ever wonder whether or not we truly love someone, we could ask ourselves, "would I die for him/her?" If the answer is, "in a heartbeat," then yes, it really is love. If we are not sure, then it is possible that we are holding something of ourselves back, in reserve. By holding back, we are "hedging our bets," which means we hope to survive the relationship, no matter what. Live through it. So, we certainly would not die for our beloved. Our lives and hearts are more important to us, in that case.

As Jesus Christ says:
"Greater love has no one than this: that he lay down his life for his friends."

And if we love someone to the point that we would die for them, can we not also live for them? If we are willing to lay down our lives for their sake, sacrificing something less should be a piece of cake. How ridiculous would it be to hear, "sure, I’d die for you honey, but I’m keeping my TV remote?"

And as Saint John wrote:
"We ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions, and sees his brother in need, but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."

I have found that an open-handed policy in human relationships is very successful and rewarding. By this, I mean only when we stop holding tightly on to what we have, that our hands are also free to receive. Maybe twelve years ago, I really felt in need. So much so, that I felt that I didn’t have anything to spare. I didn’t give, I needed people to give to me. But, I never received anything. My soul only got more shriveled up. This was because I was focused on my own lack, and trying to get other people to fill it for me.

Finally, I realized that the only way for me to live, was to give love. I didn’t have much ability, but I gave all I had. That way, I became the conduit of love, and as it was blessing other people, I was blessed by love, too. Not merely because some loved in return, either.

The love that I possessed for them, nourished me. Because, for love to be fully experienced, it must be given. Receiving love is an external experience-- with some benefit, or course! But, if we give love, it makes us become love incarnate to someone! And when we are love, our souls live! The soul grows and blossoms. And as the soul grows, the ability to love even more, is increased. Happiness, and all sorts of good things result. But love is it’s own reward!

As Shakespeare wrote:
"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite."

The personality of love is a state of being, where the person has become someone who automatically does the loving thing. Love incarnate. Gives. Sacrifices. Lays down his or her life. For everyone and anyone. Regardless of anyone’s supposed worthiness of being the beneficiary of such behavior. So, love’s personality does not judge. "You are human; my brother / sister, therefore I accept you, help you, treat you with respect."

As Mother Teresa said:
"If you judge someone, you have no time to love them."

Love’s personality can become angry when the beloved (humanity in general, or a specific individual) is mistreated. This will cause the lover to take up the cause, to help alleviate the suffering his/her beloved is being subjected to.

Love: The Personality is defined as a state of being the lover dwells in, which will cause him or her to act for the benefit of the beloved.

Love: The Brotherly

Whereas the personality of love is often motivated to act, the brotherly kind of love, is content to merely be. No actual giving to the beloved, or even interaction with the beloved is required. "Pure and chaste, from afar." ...Or, even close up. It is internal to the lover, and it is passive. A sweet, peaceful, contenting state of bliss is experienced. There is no pain or longing to express itself to the beloved, as with Love: The Passionate.

And, because it has no need to be expressed, there is no risk. The heart is not given away, so it does not feel vulnerable. The lack of pain and risk preserves the state of bliss.

There is also no need to ever receive anything from the beloved. If he or she is not aware of the lover’s existence, it makes no difference to the lover. He or she is content to love on, alone.

To the lover, it is the love he or she feels that is precious, moreso than the beloved. Therefore, the love is easily transferable to a new beloved. In fact, one can feel brotherly love toward any number of people, at the same time. It is not exclusive to one specific individual, as with Love: The Passionate.

As Emily Dickenson wrote:
"My business is to love. The mere sense of loving, is joy enough."

In order for the beloved to benefit from the love, he or she must be there, with the lover, and seek it out. The beloved must actively take advantage of the situation, or it will never be received.

Love: The Brotherly is defined as an internalized loving feeling about someone, which inspires a feeling of contentment and peace.

Love: The Decision

"Fall in love," is the phrase. When I first experienced this kind of love, I did actually have a sensation of falling. Sinking into a soft featherbed. Relaxing. Once I had let myself fall in love with my beloved, it was the easiest thing in the world. It felt very natural!

Before I came to the decision that I could let myself be in love with my beloved, however, I experienced some unease. Because I was not fully committed. To fall in love is to give one’s heart away. Could I trust my beloved with it? Would I be hurt? I had an approach/avoidance problem.

It took time, but my beloved made me fall in love, or rather, I let my beloved make me fall in love. And, I finally felt able to freely give my heart. With Love: The Decision, the lover has the potential for love in his or her heart, which can only truly be born with a decision to let oneself love. It is not like Passionate Love, with which one has no choice but to love. Decision Love exists because the lover lets it.

As Jean Anouilh said:
"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."

Most Decision- Lovers fall in love because the beloved (purposefully, or through no fault of their own) convinces them that he or she is worthy of being trusted with the lover’s heart. Therefore, the lover can cite reasons why he or she is in love with the beloved: "His sense of humor," or, "she’s such a sweetie," et cetera.

Since reasons for being in love can be cited, Decision- Love is a conditional variety. We give our hearts away, usually on the condition that the beloved is deemed worthy of it. This way, the love has been earned. The beloved "made the cut." It is a "reward" for worthy attributes or behaviors.

So, on the other hand, if the beloved starts behaving unworthily-- in the lover’s mind-- he or she may choose to withdraw the love. Decide to not let him/herself love any longer. The love is allowed to exist by the discretion of the lover. The lover can either actively decide to stop, or passively, by allowing it to die through abuse or neglect. He or she has control, so he or she must sustain the love, rather than be sustained by it. Therefore, the lover must put conscious effort into keeping the love alive. It does not sustain itself.

Since Decision- Love is a conditional variety, many may not consider it real love. It is real, it just can be based on rational (relatively speaking) conditions. People fall (read: jump first, then they fall) in love, and fall out of love, all the time. In between, they do actually love their beloved. The beloved has their heart, there is just a string attached... It's not an eternal, divine type of love, which never ends no matter what. So, it's temporary. Therefore, Decision Love is a human-level love. It can and does pass away, just like we do. But, it's still love.

I have heard the phrase, "Love is not an emotion, it's a decision." If you can decide to love, you can decide to not love. This human love is based in our minds and hearts, not our spirits. So, it is perfectly reasonable that our minds would enter the equation, in deciding to love someone. And the emotions of our hearts playing a role in this kind of love is also perfectly reasonable.

Therefore, you cannot separate the Decision from the rationality of our minds and the emotions of our hearts. It is an emotion and it is a decision; and it is a (more or less) rational- and- emotional decision, which the logic of our minds and the feelings of our hearts help us make.

It is possible that we can choose to love, regardless of the worthiness of the beloved. We then would choose to love someone, in spite of any worthiness or lack thereof, on the beloved's part. We are able to choose to love regardless of worthiness, and can, at any time, choose to cease loving. For any reason, or no reason at all.

Love: The Decision is defined as a love that can be freely given to another at the discretion of the lover.

You've been reading much. Now, can you please tell me if you are in love?

Yours Truly,
Ferdinand Che